What Does It Mean When You Feel Your Heart Sink?

Hi Marina,

The first thing I want to say is that hell is a home for demons, and you are not one .. so stop worrying about ending up there, or you might create it as an illusion around you after you die .. and then Micle will have to ‘rescue’ you, or me .. and we don’t want to do that. We want everyone to go directly to heaven. 🙂

Next, stop poisoning yourself with hatred for another person, pretend or otherwise. If the person does not know you feel that way, the only one to suffer is you, as you know. If the person does know, and feels the same way, you both suffer. It seems like such a waste of energy, that could be turned towards good. And its really not good karma, even if there are no actions behind the words. Karma has a habit of giving us exactly what we focus on, so if we expect pain and arguments, we usually get them.

So that you will realise that I am not being ‘holier than thou’, let me give you an example. There was a time, a bit over a year ago, where I raging with anger and pain directed towards people who were deliberately choosing to harm myself and some of my friends. The whole situation was incredibly toxic, and so I made the painful choice to walk away from it .. and then had to deal with all my emotions. I was deeply hurt and disillusioned by a lot of the events .. producing tons of negativity, and the sense of helplessness twisted me in knots and started to ruin my life.

I fought .. oh, how I fought .. not them, but Me. Not them, but my ego – that screamed like a small child, demanding Justice, the right to be HEARD and vindicated, knowing I might never have it. And I feared that I would lose my friends, have them move away from where we all live, because they too suffered from the outrageous lies and gossip the villains had spread about us.

Even now when I am very sorry it all happened, I occasionally still want to reach out and smack a few people, but I buried the knife in the ground, point down, and covered it with earth. I don’t mean a literal knife, but the symbol of my ego’s need for … what … hmm… blood .. or an apology or five, from them.

I don’t generally hold grudges. I don’t generally obsess over past hurts. I have learned to forgive and let go, so the struggle with this one has been enormous, but I treat it in the same way I deal with every action that requires forgiveness (by myself or others), I work at it a little at a time. Kind of like this:

Think of an onion .. It makes you cry when you peel it and break it into pieces or slice it. You can strip it down to the core, a layer at a time – and you might weep and wish you didn’t have to do it – but the core is where the true sweetness is, the heart of the matter, and comes with a sense of peace – well worth working towards.

So being Forgiving is like peeling the onion. The acid bite is mostly on the outside, those first few layers where you really don’t WANT TO DO IT .. let go and forgive, or forgive and let go .. but you do it anyway, because you know the outcome will be best for you in the long run .. and you won’t hurt so much anymore, and the triggers to the anger will fade, and they do fade. So I treated my unforgiveness like an onion, with a sharp knife in my hand, and I cleared it away, a layer at a time, until I thought I had almost healed it, and then went back into the situation .. where I was greeted with open arms by the same people (I admit I checked their hands for more knives when they reached out) and then I buried the (metaphysical)knife, point down, in the land under the building – but I still guard my back. I learned many lessons, one of which was .. you can forgive people and let go, but, knowing human nature, it might not always be wise to forget.

For you – perhaps ask yourself why the lady makes you so angry? Not ‘I feel angry at “Lady” because …’ but focus on her words or actions.

In other words, something like “Jane’s sarcasm (whatever it is that triggers you) makes me feel angry because I do not like being judged as failing at something”. It is a way of working out why you feel the way you do when you get angry. Most anger has its foundation in pain or fear. Then you might notice that your reactions are now directed at her words or actions, not the lady herself. Mind you, if she walks into the room and your hackles rise, it could be a clash of energy, not just personality .. some auras (energy fields around everyone) do not mix well, even if the people are related, so keeping a bit of polite distance can be helpful.

But, as you said, you really love her .. so what is it she is doing that is triggering your pain and fear? What will you lose by being nice to her – and I mean genuinely nice, regardless of her behaviour? Imagine the surprise on her face when you don’t argue in the usual way .. wouldn’t that feel good. 🙂

In treating her in a loving manner, will you feel disempowered? That leads to the question of why we give people so much power over us in the first place? Because that is what we do when we lose our tempers .. we hand them control over our responses .. because we are no longer in control. Has the lady done anything to earn this gift from you? Is this not a good reason for asking yourself ‘why’ you respond the way you do .. rather than letting her get the upper-hand each time?

I know one of the reasons why I still hurt is because I liked one of the villains very much. She could have been a good friend .. and the puzzle of why she believed the things that were said about me, and the others, is still with me. I see her and don’t know whether to slap her or hug her .. but there’s almost nothing left to forgive there, because we all make mistakes – so it is the ego/child in me reaction. I just need time to heal .. and time does heal, when we let it.

As to negative entities .. they should have eaten me for dinner. Thankfully, we all have a guardian angel standing behind our right shoulder, from the group called Michael. They are specifically trained to protect our spirits, but have to have permission to help us protect our bodies. We can ask them, and the Raphael, who are the healing angels, to help us find the peace and healing we seek .. but we have to ask in a genuine manner, and not just flare up over and over again, because we disempower them by not being forgiving. The angels cannot interfere in human free will, and if we willingly remain angry .. they can’t help at all. We have to be willing to change, to let go, to be free again .. because anger and hatred are two chains our souls should not have to carry. I know I feel so much lighter once I put mine down.

And then I think of this:

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

Sometimes all we can do is just LOVE anyway .. and keep our distance, if that is the only solution.

Love & Peace
Ama